I remember
by Hantaliel
Summary: The memories are flooding back to me as I'm sitting out here, staring at the white door in front of me. Please, let me in! Before it's too late! KanameZero AU Warning!CharacterDeath, M/M, & fair share of angst


**A/N:** This is what I get when sleep deprived and overworked. I write on the bus home from school, and throw away a whole evening on writing when I in truth don't have the time to spare this...*headdesk*

Well...Hope you guys enjoy this at least...then my evening typing wasn't spent in vain after all...

Please excuse the spelling and grammar mistakes(though I do appreciate it when people point them out to me!) it is LATE over here...

WARNING: Character Death! and shonen ai aka M/M, just some kissing tho, nothing to freak about...I think...

Either way...I'll go hide now so that I won't get killed by angry fans...

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**I remember...**

I remember the first time we met. It was that awkward moment when you meet the overprotective brother of your love interest. His little sister had dragged me to their house so that I could help her with her homework. She had never been book smart, but her heart was made of solid gold, which was what made me adore her as I did. My very first impression of _him_ when he opened that intricately carved mahogany door was that of slight awe at his beauty. He was a well known up-and-coming model, but it was one thing to see his face on some huge poster, another to see him in the flesh.

That awe quickly plummeted, shriveled, and died in a corner. Yuki had warned me that he had a slight sister complex and might be a bit hostile since I was a boy. The warm smile and the soft voice he used to welcome her home followed by the suspicious and dark glare that was sent my way behind Yuki's back more than just confirmed her earlier statement, or rather proved it to be a huge understatement.

From then on, every time I came over to the Kuran mansion the brunet would always somehow wind up spending every single second of time while I was there together with us. Haughty comments, hateful looks, and disguised insults were exchanged over Yuki's clueless head. There was no getting away from _Big Brother_.

I remember the first accidental kiss. That evening had been just like any other evening when I went to the Kuran household to tutor Yuki, but this time we finished early. Yuki suggested we watch a movie her friend Sayori had let her borrow from her extensive DVD collection, it was friday after all, so having me stay over for the night wouldn't be a problem. Me and Yuki had become much closer the last few months and I'd learnt how to deal with the big brother by then, or so I thought, so I agreed. And so the Kuran siblings prepared popcorn and snacks while I was set to connect up the new DVD player to the TV.

It was later, in the middle of the half-rate chickflick, Yuki had fallen asleep against his shoulder, that _he_ suddenly decided that to strike up a conversation with me was a good idea. I had to agree that the hushed but still sharp-as-steel-knives-mockery that was thrown back and forth was slightly more preferable than the awkward silence that had descended on us when Yuki had gone ahead into dreamland.

The movie ended and _he_ more or less commanded me to turn off the DVD and TV. Wouldn't want the little princess to wake up if he moved, and since we were going to crash in the livingroom for the night, having the TV on in the background was annoying according to _him_. I grudgingly conceded and got up. My luck was definitely not in my favour however(or maybe it was, but at that moment I didn't think it was) as my foot caught the edge of the carpet and I stumbled face first into the older brunet. It took us years to even acknowledge that we brushed lips that day.

I remember the first time I saw _him_ again after I'd been gone for 2 years, studying at a police academy at the opposite side of the country. He had become a bigshot model by that time, and I got the shock of my life seeing him walk up the street of my dorm in a city I never would have imagined to meet anyone from back home. He had been surprised too and we'd ended up stopping a meter apart just staring each other up and down. If i said that he didn't look stunning in those designer clothes and his new more ruffled hairstyle, I'd be lying, but I quickly realised he hadn't changed one bit since last I'd seen him.

After a few moments of silence he gave a cocky smirk, a short nod, and threw "So this is where you've hidden yourself off to the last few years." in my face as if he thought of me as some small and scared animal. What I said in reply had me beating myself up for weeks afterwards.

"I see you've been whoring out your face and looks to the whole nation as usual."

What on earth had possessed me to word it like that? Against my better judgement I'd actually kept track of him and his career, out of curiosity mostly(or so I told myself). I thought it was admirable how he managed to keep such a calm face in the midst of all that attention. So why?

The look I got in return for the comment was one I, to this day, only saw him use that one time, and never before had I ever thought that a look could be that terrifying. He didn't say a word and quickly brushed past me, silently fuming, but before he went out of earshot he said "Yuki-chan misses you. Call her once in awhile." I didn't see him again for another year and a half.

I remember Yuki's 21st birthday party. It was my first week back in town, and I had my hands full with explaining to people why I'd disappeared for so long. 3 years is a long time to abandon your family and friends without a single word of warning.

I got the invitation to the party from my brother who offhandedly also told me(mostly to rub it in my face) that he had dated Yuki for a while while I was gone. Strangely enough, that didn't sting as much as I had thought it would.

Later that evening when I arrived at the party I was greeted by an overjoyed Yuki who threw herself at me from the top of the stairs when she saw me enter. After several hours of catching up with current events with her and old friends, and being pushed to drink more alcohol by everyone, things started getting blurry. Not my vision, but my memory of the night.

I do recall needing a breath of fresh air(while the mansion was huge, there were only enough space for so many, and it seemed the whole community had been invited. Yes, even Yuki's entire school had been invited) and stumbling out into the rose garden in the back yard. How long I stumbled around in my drunk haze I'm not sure, but I eventually collapsed down on the floor of a small rose covered pavilion.

The night breeze was refreshing against my flushed cheeks and I might have fallen asleep like that because the next thing I'm aware of is the rustling sound of someone trying to barge their way through the bushes, which is possibly the stupidest idea in the world(my inebriated brain says) because the bushes are all thorny and shit. Getting up to a sitting position with a little uncoordinated effort I gain my balance just in time to see _him_ emerge from between two bushes, looking about as drunk as I feel.

I barely get the time to grind out a wobbly "_You_!" and then he falls onto me, pushing me back onto the floor of the pavilion with a soft grunt. What happened next took me several days of banging my head against the wall to come to grips with, and for several weeks I couldn't get it out of my mind no matter how hard I tried.

Warm lips found my chapped ones, fingers threading through my hair, surprisingly strong hands holding me in place. Breaths intermingling every time he pulled back to catch his breath, dilated brown eyes staring down at me with lust shining in the dark depths, the occasional moan escaping from one of us. I never get the opportunity to identify who the source of the sound is before the thought gets chased away again by just _feeling, because this feels good...so good._ The feeling of having another body pressing down on me wasn't as unpleasant as I had thought it would be, the fact that it was _him_ almost forgotten. It was first in the morning when I woke to find myself still on the floor of the pavilion with one of his jackets draped over me that I really realised what my foggy mind hadn't quite managed to process the night before.

I couldn't look at his face after that without remembering, to my endless chagrin.

I remember the first decent conversation we had where no insults were exchanged and we actually had a pleasant time together. Just the two of us.

I'd been ditched by Yuki and her noisy friends, and so I'd decided to find a more quiet place; somewhere where I could sit down and relax, and not hear people talking. What I found was _him_ sprawled(in a very dignified and elegant way, mind you. God forbid the Kuran to ever do anything in a sloppy way) over a bench in the park farthest away from the festivities. I don't know what possessed me to decide to sit down beside the bastard, but the fact is I did, and I never regretted it.

I remember the first time _he_ genuinely smiled(not smirked, or showed teeth in a false grin, but a real smile) at something I said. It was breathtaking. The small wrinkles around his eyes, that were usually barely discernable, crinkled endearingly. His deep brown eyes glimmering with suppressed laughter. Maybe it was the orange glow of the fading sunlight surrounding his frame like a halo, or maybe it was the way the wind caught his hair, that made me unable to remove my gaze from him. Either way, that was when i realized that, yeah...this is the guy i love. This is the guy i don't ever want to let go.

That was the day I told him what I really thought of him, in the roundabout way I always get when it comes to expressing feelings.

I remember the first proper date _he_ took me on. I refused to call it a date, but he only smiled knowingly. That cocky bastard. We had this tentative relationship going, a bit more than frenemies(we still bickered and threw insults at each other, though it had a slightly more playful air to it now), but we were far from lovers. He had somehow managed to get me to dress up in a nice suit, and took me to some fancy restaurant, live candles, classical music, 3 course meal, and whatnots.

I couldn't entirely decide whether I hated the place or hated the people there the most. I knew they were laughing behind my back at my inability to understand the "simple principle of different sets of cutlery for different courses". A fork is a fork, and I use it as such. So what if there's a special one for that one exact purpose. The food was just as confusing as the cutlery. They had to be doing this to humiliate me on purpose. Kaname sure was enjoying himself at least. Not that that was any consolation at all.

I remember the day when_ he_ stormed into my apartment, storm clouds coloring his expression. We'd been dating for almost a year by this time, and I already knew what had happened before he said anything.

His parents. He was a model, not just that but a top model at the very pinnacle of his career. His mother was furious when she got to know of us. She accused him of wanting to destroy his own career and the family's reputation. His father was disgusted at the whole affair, and had apparently said that "The Kiryuus have always meant trouble. Just look at what happened to Yuki and the other twin!" That relationship hadn't ended well it seemed.

Kaname stayed at my apartment for the rest of the week, and the week after we upped and left town. Bought new phones and changed the numbers, got a new manager for Kaname and switched companies. We found a decent apartment in a new city, and I got myself a job as an officer at the local PD. We quickly found a new routine.

I remember the first tabloid scandal on our relationship. Someone had caught us kissing and taken a snapshot and posted it on the net. The picture was blurry at best, but I still got fired from work since I was Kaname's flatmate and therefore also the most likely candidate for the other man in the picture(not that my hair wasn't an indicator enough), and Kaname had difficulties finding new model jobs as well because of it. Not to mention the immense number of stalker photographers and others we acquired, along with journalists trying to get the next major scoop with us as the main theme.

We laid low while as we sorted things out properly, and the PD took me in again with apologies. Interestingly enough, Kaname's fame took a positive turn after this, and he decided to try out for movie auditions. He truly was starting to reach out in the world. At that point it was starting to worry me a little, but I worried in vain.

There are so many memories that floods up to the surface when I really sit down and think about...us. So much has happened in the 12 years we've known eachother, but the last five will always be my favourite. I will always treasure the memories of waking up to his soft smile and those perfect egg'n'bacon breakfasts he's boss at making. The surprise hugs from behind when he comes home after a shoot or whatever and finds me doing some kind of housework, laughing at my mortification at getting caught doing something so "wifey". Then there's the days where we do nothing but cuddle on the couch because we miraculously both are free on the same day. Every day weren't as serene of course, but while we sure fought and bickered and had our ups and downs, we always made up and it would later become something to laugh about. We went through hardships and triumphs, scandals and breakups, but in the end it all didn't matter. Life was good. Life was really good.

Those memories are now my only comfort, they keep me company as I wait.

_He_ is right behind that white door. Connected to machine upon machine. Fighting for his life.

That car never slowed down. I only saw the headlights. The rest is a blur.

But i, i was unhurt. A few bruises and scrapes, a mild concussion.

I want to be in there.

They won't let me.

I'm not family.

Nor girlfriend.

I'm his boyfriend.

And they won't let me in.

It's hard to breathe. I know he won't survive the night.

He has lost too much blood. His whole left side and hip had been torn open. He's been coughing blood all the way to the hospital. Signs of internal bleeding.

He wasn't going to live. It was just a matter of time.

And they won't let me in.

I won't get to see those eyes of his anymore, not even one last time before they lose their light.

The irregular high pitched beeping sounding faintly from behind the white door suddenly deadlined.

Time.

Stopped.

The soft din of the hospital corridor fades to nothingness. I can feel my chest constricting. My heart stopped beating a while ago.

I don't breathe.

I can't.

It's crumbling. I didn't know what it is, but it is crumbling.

I feel numb.

The door is thrown open with a loud bang. I barely notice it. It's first when two feet appear in my vision in front of my own two sneaker-clad ones that i glance up through my bangs. It's Yuki, eyes that are so similar, yet so different from_ his_ are wide and bloodshot, tears streaming down her face, her small frame shaking with the irregular hiccups that she is obviously trying as hard as she can to hold back.

There is a moment where we just stare at eachother.

Then she slaps me.

And then, the one thing i never expected to happen again after I and _he_ ran off together, happens. She wraps her arms around my neck, and starts bawling. She is shouting profanities at me. Saying she wished he had never met me. That she regrets ever befriending me at school. That she wished he hadn't moved out, hadn't cut all ties to the family. That she was glad i hadn't been allowed into the room. That i hadn't deserved him, that he didn't deserve me. Yet she clings onto my withdrawn form, sobbing into my shoulder.

The flatlined high pitched beep is still sounding. It has still not sunk in.

I still feel numb.

It's when the sound is cut off.

That is when I feel the tears as well.

END

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**A/N: **inspired by: a caption on some ff dot net profile meme thing on homophobia i read ages ago that suddenly popped into my head...

eeeeeh...i'msorryi'msorryi'msorry!don'tkillmeplzi'lljustgosleepnow

R&R PLZ! orz

Hantaliel


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